The last post was a funny joke (haha). Again, I don’t know what to say, but I’m hoping that just writing will kick my brain into gear so that I can think of something smart. My therapist once told me that motivation isn’t something that comes before the task you want to be motivated to do, it’s something that is produced through the act of doing the task itself. Which seems unfair.
I am trying to write a thesis. I have spent the last six hours avoiding doing so. It’s funny to me that the procrastinating brain can expend so much energy not doing a task. Whilst I’m not doing the active production of thesis work, I am certainly thinking very much about now I am not doing the thesis work. These thoughts are consuming energy anyway. Very silly.
I’ve never thought I was a good writer. I was told by a lecturer that my academic writing had the potential to be good, which is very nice, but is not useful to me as I hate to develop a skill. I’d prefer to be born with the skill already ingrained perfectly within me. If I am developing something, it means that I must be bad at it, at least a little. Which sucks. I hate being bad at things.
Thus, I sit here, being bad at doing my thesis work in a desperate attempt to feel like I’m not bad at anything. Why am I this way? Why are many of us this way? There’s definitely a larger and more nuanced conversation to be had here about the blight of capitalism on human productivity and creativity, but given that I can barely muster up the courage to interpret research for my thesis, I’m not going to attempt to relay any thoughts of use in that topic. Alas,
who’s to say?
Who's to say? 